The world has changed.
I feel it in the water.
I feel it in the earth.
I smell it in the air.
Much that once was is lost,
for none now live who remember it.

Meditation? Why? Who does that? That’s a bit out there isn’t it? Are you doing okay? Is something wrong? I know you’re going through a lot right now… but I’m not sure you should be dwelling on these things. It’s not healthy. Forget about all that… just get over it and move on.

It doesn’t seem like this sort of feeling of ‘lost’ or ‘overwhelmed’ or ‘spaced out’ is isolated to my little world. I get the sense that more of us are in this space than we’re letting on, perhaps in the big world as well, but certainly in our country. In my circle we discuss various things we’re seeing that identify a trending tendency in the population to be searching for something. When I was but a youngling that something was most assuredly materialistic acquisition as was evidenced in every big hairspray glam rock or pop song, TV show, movie, or advertisement. More recently that something transitioned to social awareness, and in some cases social justice, as is evidenced by the existence of a plethora of #hashtag movements available to anyone with an opinion. Which, as it happens, seems a necessary evolution on the path to what my circle has been discussing in the past few months.

I’ll not pretend to have a personal understanding of what your path may be like. I cannot guide you, torch lit, through the darkness to the safety of peace and sovereignty. I cannot show you where your path begins or even start you on your journey. I can function only as a sage with whom you are welcome to both share your experience, and request that I share mine. Now it’s certainly possible we are projecting, or experiencing a confirmation bias, or perhaps our “Freud Goggles” are firmly strapped to our heads and we are unable to see the forest for the trees. However, my circle, has noticed a shift beginning to happen with humanity (on the whole) and the search I mentioned earlier. A search for something bigger than ourselves. Something that gives us a connection to our ancestors and a reverence for where we came from. Something that perhaps was once lost but now being rediscovered by the few willing to be a spark that ignites a fanned flame. 

For me, the catalyst was the complete and utter destruction of my world as I knew it. Not just the life I had built, but the foundation on which I built it was cracked and crumbled. If I’m entirely honest with myself, which I now have a proclivity toward, my world was slowly being destroyed by my own hand for almost exactly one decade before that last brick fell in 2019. What do you do when you suddenly find yourself beyond broken… when you feel such devastation that you’re spread thin as a layer of dust on a windowsill? Well… much like Doctor Manhattan of the Watchmen I decided to reassemble myself from the dust. With purpose and intent this time. Every thought, ‘fact’, opinion, concept of right or wrong, behavior, mannerism, aspect of personality, fashion choice, material object, and relationship was rejected without bias and placed in queue to be re-evaluated. Carefully. Methodically. Entirely.

This is why I began meditation. Admittedly, at first, it was nothing like any kind of spiritual reawaking or what my circle calls “woo-woo stuff”. Instead it was a lot closer to an adult having a childlike meltdown; complete with ugly crying, shouting at the sky, and rolling around on the ground… fists beating the earth with a mercilessness rage. The remaining answers to the questions posed and comments made by well-intentioned people (listed at the beginning of this post) were as follows:

  • Yes, it seems a bit out there…
  • No, obviously I’m not okay…
  • Um, are you paying attention?
  • Re-evaluation is not the same as dwelling…
  • No disagreement on the state of my health… hello 265 lbs!
  • Rationalizing and “getting over” has not worked for the last 10 years… it’s not going to suddenly begin working now.

I wish I could tell you at this point in my journey that I spent my day of meditation fasting and sitting cross-legged on a floating cushion, eyes closed, in total silence, incense burning, riding the hedge between this and otherworld. But I’m not there yet. As I write this, most of the day was spent pacing back and forth considering my life to this point with the occasional emotional outburst, the contemplation of what I want to do on a grand scale going forward, and quickly running from wherever I was in the house to the office, to jot down the latest epiphany. The fasting choice is distracting at times but simultaneously helpful… to get the thought of food from your head you have to replace it with another thought… and that means refocusing of the mind. I’m enjoying the self-imposed silence (no phone, no tv, no internet, no human contact) but if I tried to close my eyes I’d bump into a wall with all the pacing, or fall asleep from all the quiet. As for the incense, floating cushion, and riding the hedge… maybe next time I’ll have more success.

In the meantime, I’ll share with you a high-level summary of my day and what I feel drawn toward as my direction for the foreseeable future:

  • I confirmed my belief in a source of oneness which will remain nameless and without description, for its very nature is at this time beyond my conception and therefore unknowable by my mind. I have understanding but not comprehension.
  • I dedicated the remainder of my life to the three things I now consider the most important to me. Interestingly, I had found myself considering each of them independently in my morning meditations, and in discussions I had within my circle, yet I did not yet tie them together. Upon discovery of these and others written out as potential “goals”, everything suddenly made sense and I knew it was a sign that these three would become my purpose:

I seek above all else the cultivation of wisdom, love, and creativity.

  • Wisdom (Focus: Sage) – Wisdom, sapience, or sagacity is the ability to think and act using knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense and insight. Wisdom is associated with attributes such as unbiased judgment, compassion, experiential self-knowledge, self-transcendence and non-attachment, and virtues such as ethics and benevolence. One of my favorite things to do is deep, deep, diving in thought on any number of topics.
  • Love (Focus: Relationships / Community) – Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states. From the most sublime virtue, the deepest interpersonal affection, to the simplest pleasure. I didn’t not create the following list of the ‘types of love’ but I intend to experience them all and to the fullest extent possible. I’ve listed them in a specific order with intent that I will explain in another post.
    • Self love
    • Familial love
    • Friendly (plutonic) love
    • Playful (infatuation) love
    • Passionate love
    • Enduring love
    • Unconditional love
  • Creativity (Focus: Philosophy / Co-creation) – The use of the imagination or original ideas, especially in the production of an artistic work. Creativity is a phenomenon whereby something new and somehow valuable is formed. The created item may be intangible or a physical object. I see this third purpose as an extension of the first two. I wish to form both the intangible and physical in the pursuit of wisdom through philosophy and love through co-creation.
  • In addition to these epiphanies that seemed clear enough to be considered answers there were thoughts or perhaps rabbit holes that did not fully form but provided fodder for future meditation. I will list them here in no particular order and without explanation… that will likely come in later writings.
    • Don’t get over it… get through it. Don’t do it twice it’s not faster.
    • The Greeks were close… but no banana.
    • Sex and Intimacy are NOT the same thing. Intimacy exists in all forms of relation.
    • Intimacy, a spectrum of connection (closeness)?
    • Perception/awareness/understanding/comprehension provide a wider fulcrum. Butterfly’s and houses. How low can you go?
    • Are there actually types of love? Perhaps it is an evolution instead? The gradual removal of ego?

Overall this was an amazing day! It was, at times, quite difficult and full of emotion… and at others, euphoric. I am truly exhausted yet interestingly I am no longer hungry for food. Instead I am craving intimacy. All 5 ways. Did I mention that there are 5 ways to experience intimacy? Lol I’m brain fried to say the very least. I am definitely going to do this again however I’m unsure of the frequency. Initially I thought it might be something monthly, now maybe quarterly. Or perhaps it’s not something you schedule but instead something you need to do when things start to become fuzzy or overwhelming. Either way this was very beneficial. Oddly enough I’m truly enjoying that I came up with as many questions as I did answers. Seeing as how I’ve now dedicated my life to this kind of thing it means I’ll have plenty to do over the next few decades.

A blessing upon you and your circle:
May you find peace and sovereignty of mind, body, and spirt.