I find myself in a change of seasons if you will. One cycle of my life is coming to a close while a new one is beginning. As someone who was fully under the delusion that there is such a thing as control, I find it rather refreshing to once again let go and trust in the process of life a this time of creation. This time of rebirth.
Something dark happens when you constantly search for validation outside of yourself. You become a character in a play written by whomever you happen to be performing for at the moment. Improv becomes your go-to acting tool as you squirm your way through questions about glaring inconsistencies. It’s hard to remember your lines as you unconsciously mold yourself to fit the moment… desperate to avoid conflict, disappointment, anger, frustration, or sorrow from pain you have caused. But of course the chameleon only has so many colors and eventually you will break under the complexity of the patterns.
For as long as I can remember I have sought validation. I can not tell you why, but boisterous approval and a well timed “atta boy” from someone important to me is like a shot of the best drug I could ever have imagined. And I craved it like a needle ridden junkie curled up and shaking on a soiled mattress in a dark alley. Until now.
Seeking validation comes from a place of insecurity. It comes from uncertainty. Not knowing who you are, what you stand for, and what you will not stand for. Finding balance through acceptance is the pathway to peace and it is at peace where we can begin to recognize the underlying patterns in our life. For the last 5 months I have lived the life of the Hermit, withdrawn and introspective, quiet and alone with my thoughts. I have relived every moment, felt every despair, cried tears of joy and of sorrow, and fully reviewed each detail of my past.
Having passed through the searing heat of this inferno, and once again grounded in the cool soft earth, I have planted little seedlings of positive self esteem, well being, and vitality. As they grow I can feel a calm, clear confidence in the future begin to develop. I feel open to the source of healing and nurturing, as well as the inner strength that can unite creative energy with compassion and love in the world. Having determined my purpose in life I no longer need validation from the outside and I am free to cultivate, connect, and create.
I am at peace. I am in balance. I am working on my certainty. Regardless, I am cured. I am no longer afflicted. There’s nothing wrong with me emotionally or mentally, and I am ready to center myself into a feeling of deep peace and allow the waters of inspiration and contentment to flow freely between my conscious and unconscious, as well as my inner and outer worlds.