The Gaelic Druid

The sting of the heavily chlorinated water filling his goggles was becoming unbearable, and he knew that very soon… it would blind him. The year was 2008, and it was the final 100 meters (one end to the other and back) of the 200 meter butterfly race in the Beijing Olympics when Michael Phelps realized, he was in serious trouble.

“They started filling up more and more and more. And about 75 meters left in the race, I could see nothing. I couldn’t see the black line, I couldn’t see the T, I couldn’t see anything… And I couldn’t take my goggles off because they were underneath two swim caps.”

Michael Phelps interview with Anderson Cooper on 60 Minutes

An aspiring Olympic swimmer may swim 10 to 20 miles per day for years on end to train for an Olympic event that will last all of 20 seconds. But Michael takes it a step further… he’s a big believer in visualization and manifestation. When he’s not in the water physically, he places himself there in mind and spirit. Visualizing each stroke, feeling the water on his skin, seeing himself smashing another record, winning yet another gold medal. Can you imagine? All that work… years of physical punishment… several hours every, single, day, of mental preparation… for this one moment… and suddenly it’s all at risk!

“Manifestation” has gone through a series of several re-inventions or even re-branding if you will over the years, but as far as I can tell one of the original sources was a book titled “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peale. The book provides anecdotal “case histories” of positive thinking, and practical instructions which were designed to help the reader achieve a permanent and optimistic attitude. These techniques usually involved affirmations and visualizations. Peale claimed that such techniques would give the reader a higher satisfaction and quality of life.

While I personally believe whole heartedly in manifestation, if you’ve read some of my writings, I have a propensity to seek out answers with a balance of mind and spirit. I tend to add a little dash of critical thinking to my spirituality to find what Aristotle would call a golden mean. A little less “woo woo”, and a bit more science, to find a happy middle ground.

Michael Phelps is the most decorated Olympian of all time. He holds the record for the most Olympic Gold Medals (23) and number of Olympic Gold Medals at a single Olympic game (8). And on this particular day… in this particular race… blinded the last 75 meters of the race… he broke the world record with a time of 1:52.03, defeating silver medalist László Cseh by almost seven-tenths of a second.

Given that much practice lends itself to a phenomenon called “muscle memory” that we could claim is what kept Michael more or less swimming in a straight line or at a minimum kept him in his lane while swimming blind. Or maybe he’s just physically built for swimming in a way that no other human being has been built thus far and won because he was just so much more powerful. According to his coach, his very early years were just pure physical drive with no technique that was winning him high school trophies. But Michael didn’t just beat everyone in the pool that day… he beat everyone who had ever been in a pool on any day thus far. What kept him “in the game” mentally in the face of such an obstacle?

Is positive thinking, manifestation and visualization really the thing that put Michael over the top and made him the best swimmer in the world for all time? His coach certainly thought so. Bob Bowman had drilled the importance of visualization into Michael as much, if not more, than the techniques he taught in his physical practices. He even had him write it all out and put it on the refrigerator. His reasoning? He knew Michael was constantly in the refrigerator eating to refuel and he expected that is where Michael would see it the most and remind him to visualize himself winning. You can probably imagine Bob’s surprise when one day recalling the events of that race with Michael, he revealed it wasn’t positive thinking that got him through difficulty at all.

It turns out young Michael had so frequently and so vividly visualized himself winning, and breaking records, and all out dominating the sport, that he had grown tired of it and began to find it a bit boring. So what did he do? He started to imaging things going wrong. Yes, that’s right… he visualized the races negatively. Michal was imagining everything that could go wrong. Now if you ask any modern guru, putting out negative thoughts like that into the universe is a recipe for disaster. I would tend to agree, if what you did was stop at the negative thought and cede defeat to it.

So to be fair… I’m twisting The Power of Negative Thinking a bit in an effort to make a point. In these “nightmare” scenarios, Michael still won the Gold in his mind… he still crushed world records in his imagination. He was still manifesting a positive outcome. The key to what Michael was doing was recognizing obstacles that are very real possibilities, and visualizing overcoming them. What does that do? It provides you with the ability to draw upon experience to solve a problem and push through knowing exactly how to keep moving toward that finish line. His first thought in the real world scenario was to pull off his goggles, but as you’ll recall he realized he couldn’t do that because they were under two swim caps. So what did he do? How did he swim blind?

Michael fell back on his visualization. When he practiced in his mind he imagined every detail… he knew it took him 19 strokes to get from one end of the pool to the other. So Michael closed his eyes, centered himself, and began counting. Four, five, six, he counted in his mind… eleven, twelve, thirteen… soon he knew he would make contact and have to turn himself around… seventeen, eighteen, nineteen… Michael felt the wall and knew right then, this could work! He executed his turn upside down and back around down the lane flawlessly, like he had in his mind so many times before. Still counting and now completely blind, he had no idea how far ahead he was. He remembers thinking to himself that he was behind and that he needed to push a bit harder if he wanted to win. Finally reaching 19 strokes Michael reached the wall and rips his goggles off his head in frustration. He was certain he could have done so much better had he been able to see and was understandably upset. It was Bob who had to calm him down and inform him that he had won the Gold.

Obviously I’m not advocating negative thinking as a replacement for positive thinking in any way. That said, as I typically discover in my musings, when it comes down to what will actually work… putting things in balance seems to be the answer more times than not. I feel like it is extremely valuable to visualize getting the things that you want and living your life to it’s fullest potential. However, you can’t just meditate everyday about a brand new Porsche in your driveway and like magic it will suddenly appear out of nowhere. You’re instead saying yes to the possibility that you can have and will have a Porsche, and you’re going to actively pursue that goal even if you have no idea how it will come about. You’ve put it out there in mind and spirit, and as opportunities that come along your path demonstrate a possible step in the right direction, being top of mind, you’ll recognize them as such and take that one step closer to your goal. Along the way it is very likely things may show up as obstacles in your path, and instead of giving up and thinking it is a sign that you’re not meant to have your Porsche… you’ll have already visualized yourself getting around, over, or through those obstacles without having ever deviated from your goal. You’ll be able to pull from those experiences and maintain that positive attitude when things go wrong… all because you were thinking negatively (for a very short time).

I find myself in a change of seasons if you will. One cycle of my life is coming to a close while a new one is beginning. As someone who was fully under the delusion that there is such a thing as control, I find it rather refreshing to once again let go and trust in the process of life a this time of creation. This time of rebirth.

Something dark happens when you constantly search for validation outside of yourself. You become a character in a play written by whomever you happen to be performing for at the moment. Improv becomes your go-to acting tool as you squirm your way through questions about glaring inconsistencies. It’s hard to remember your lines as you unconsciously mold yourself to fit the moment… desperate to avoid conflict, disappointment, anger, frustration, or sorrow from pain you have caused. But of course the chameleon only has so many colors and eventually you will break under the complexity of the patterns.

For as long as I can remember I have sought validation. I can not tell you why, but boisterous approval and a well timed “atta boy” from someone important to me is like a shot of the best drug I could ever have imagined. And I craved it like a needle ridden junkie curled up and shaking on a soiled mattress in a dark alley. Until now.

Seeking validation comes from a place of insecurity. It comes from uncertainty. Not knowing who you are, what you stand for, and what you will not stand for. Finding balance through acceptance is the pathway to peace and it is at peace where we can begin to recognize the underlying patterns in our life. For the last 5 months I have lived the life of the Hermit, withdrawn and introspective, quiet and alone with my thoughts. I have relived every moment, felt every despair, cried tears of joy and of sorrow, and fully reviewed each detail of my past.

Having passed through the searing heat of this inferno, and once again grounded in the cool soft earth, I have planted little seedlings of positive self esteem, well being, and vitality. As they grow I can feel a calm, clear confidence in the future begin to develop. I feel open to the source of healing and nurturing, as well as the inner strength that can unite creative energy with compassion and love in the world. Having determined my purpose in life I no longer need validation from the outside and I am free to cultivate, connect, and create.

I am at peace. I am in balance. I am working on my certainty. Regardless, I am cured. I am no longer afflicted. There’s nothing wrong with me emotionally or mentally, and I am ready to center myself into a feeling of deep peace and allow the waters of inspiration and contentment to flow freely between my conscious and unconscious, as well as my inner and outer worlds.

The world has changed.
I feel it in the water.
I feel it in the earth.
I smell it in the air.
Much that once was is lost,
for none now live who remember it.

Meditation? Why? Who does that? That’s a bit out there isn’t it? Are you doing okay? Is something wrong? I know you’re going through a lot right now… but I’m not sure you should be dwelling on these things. It’s not healthy. Forget about all that… just get over it and move on.

It doesn’t seem like this sort of feeling of ‘lost’ or ‘overwhelmed’ or ‘spaced out’ is isolated to my little world. I get the sense that more of us are in this space than we’re letting on, perhaps in the big world as well, but certainly in our country. In my circle we discuss various things we’re seeing that identify a trending tendency in the population to be searching for something. When I was but a youngling that something was most assuredly materialistic acquisition as was evidenced in every big hairspray glam rock or pop song, TV show, movie, or advertisement. More recently that something transitioned to social awareness, and in some cases social justice, as is evidenced by the existence of a plethora of #hashtag movements available to anyone with an opinion. Which, as it happens, seems a necessary evolution on the path to what my circle has been discussing in the past few months.

I’ll not pretend to have a personal understanding of what your path may be like. I cannot guide you, torch lit, through the darkness to the safety of peace and sovereignty. I cannot show you where your path begins or even start you on your journey. I can function only as a sage with whom you are welcome to both share your experience, and request that I share mine. Now it’s certainly possible we are projecting, or experiencing a confirmation bias, or perhaps our “Freud Goggles” are firmly strapped to our heads and we are unable to see the forest for the trees. However, my circle, has noticed a shift beginning to happen with humanity (on the whole) and the search I mentioned earlier. A search for something bigger than ourselves. Something that gives us a connection to our ancestors and a reverence for where we came from. Something that perhaps was once lost but now being rediscovered by the few willing to be a spark that ignites a fanned flame. 

For me, the catalyst was the complete and utter destruction of my world as I knew it. Not just the life I had built, but the foundation on which I built it was cracked and crumbled. If I’m entirely honest with myself, which I now have a proclivity toward, my world was slowly being destroyed by my own hand for almost exactly one decade before that last brick fell in 2019. What do you do when you suddenly find yourself beyond broken… when you feel such devastation that you’re spread thin as a layer of dust on a windowsill? Well… much like Doctor Manhattan of the Watchmen I decided to reassemble myself from the dust. With purpose and intent this time. Every thought, ‘fact’, opinion, concept of right or wrong, behavior, mannerism, aspect of personality, fashion choice, material object, and relationship was rejected without bias and placed in queue to be re-evaluated. Carefully. Methodically. Entirely.

This is why I began meditation. Admittedly, at first, it was nothing like any kind of spiritual reawaking or what my circle calls “woo-woo stuff”. Instead it was a lot closer to an adult having a childlike meltdown; complete with ugly crying, shouting at the sky, and rolling around on the ground… fists beating the earth with a mercilessness rage. The remaining answers to the questions posed and comments made by well-intentioned people (listed at the beginning of this post) were as follows:

• Yes, it seems a bit out there…
• No, obviously I’m not okay…
• Um, are you paying attention?
• Re-evaluation is not the same as dwelling…
• No disagreement on the state of my health… hello 265 lbs!
• Rationalizing and “getting over” has not worked for the last 10 years… it’s not going to suddenly begin working now.

I wish I could tell you at this point in my journey that I spent my day of meditation fasting and sitting cross-legged on a floating cushion, eyes closed, in total silence, incense burning, riding the hedge between this and otherworld. But I’m not there yet. As I write this, most of the day was spent pacing back and forth considering my life to this point with the occasional emotional outburst, the contemplation of what I want to do on a grand scale going forward, and quickly running from wherever I was in the house to the office, to jot down the latest epiphany. The fasting choice is distracting at times but simultaneously helpful… to get the thought of food from your head you have to replace it with another thought… and that means refocusing of the mind. I’m enjoying the self-imposed silence (no phone, no tv, no internet, no human contact) but if I tried to close my eyes I’d bump into a wall with all the pacing, or fall asleep from all the quiet. As for the incense, floating cushion, and riding the hedge… maybe next time I’ll have more success.

In the meantime, I’ll share with you a high-level summary of my day and what I feel drawn toward as my direction for the foreseeable future:

• I confirmed my belief in a source of oneness which will remain nameless and without description, for its very nature is at this time beyond my conception and therefore unknowable by my mind. I have understanding but not comprehension.

• I dedicated the remainder of my life to the three things I now consider the most important to me. Interestingly, I had found myself considering each of them independently in my morning meditations, and in discussions I had within my circle, yet I did not yet tie them together. Upon discovery of these and others written out as potential “goals”, everything suddenly made sense and I knew it was a sign that these three would become my purpose:

I seek above all else the cultivation of wisdom, love, and creativity.

• Wisdom (Focus: Sage) – Wisdom, sapience, or sagacity is the ability to think and act using knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense and insight. Wisdom is associated with attributes such as unbiased judgment, compassion, experiential self-knowledge, self-transcendence and non-attachment, and virtues such as ethics and benevolence. One of my favorite things to do is deep, deep, diving in thought on any number of topics.

• Love (Focus: Relationships / Community) – Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states. From the most sublime virtue, the deepest interpersonal affection, to the simplest pleasure. I didn’t not create the following list of the ‘types of love’ but I intend to experience them all and to the fullest extent possible. I’ve listed them in a specific order with intent that I will explain in another post.
  • Self love
  • Familial love
  • Friendly (plutonic) love
  • Playful (infatuation) love
  • Passionate love
  • Enduring love
  • Unconditional love

• Creativity (Focus: Philosophy / Co-creation) – The use of the imagination or original ideas, especially in the production of an artistic work. Creativity is a phenomenon whereby something new and somehow valuable is formed. The created item may be intangible or a physical object. I see this third purpose as an extension of the first two. I wish to form both the intangible and physical in the pursuit of wisdom through philosophy and love through co-creation.

• In addition to these epiphanies that seemed clear enough to be considered answers there were thoughts or perhaps rabbit holes that did not fully form but provided fodder for future meditation. I will list them here in no particular order and without explanation… that will likely come in later writings.
  • Don’t get over it… get through it. Don’t do it twice it’s not faster.
  • The Greeks were close… but no banana.
  • Sex and Intimacy are NOT the same thing. Intimacy exists in all forms of relation.
  • Intimacy, a spectrum of connection (closeness)?
  • Perception/awareness/understanding/comprehension provide a wider fulcrum. Butterfly’s and houses. How low can you go?
  • Are there actually types of love? Perhaps it is an evolution instead? The gradual removal of ego?

Overall this was an amazing day! It was, at times, quite difficult and full of emotion… and at others, euphoric. I am truly exhausted yet interestingly I am no longer hungry for food. Instead I am craving intimacy. All 5 ways. Did I mention that there are 5 ways to experience intimacy? Lol I’m brain fried to say the very least. I am definitely going to do this again however I’m unsure of the frequency. Initially I thought it might be something monthly, now maybe quarterly. Or perhaps it’s not something you schedule but instead something you need to do when things start to become fuzzy or overwhelming. Either way this was very beneficial. Oddly enough I’m truly enjoying that I came up with as many questions as I did answers. Seeing as how I’ve now dedicated my life to this kind of thing it means I’ll have plenty to do over the next few decades.

A blessing upon you and your circle:
May you find peace and sovereignty of mind, body, and spirt.